I've been shape-shifting without meaning to. Somedays I'm introverted and deep in thought; other days I'm loud enough to scare myself. I've done good things. Bad things. It's as if I'm trying on versions of me the way the internet tries on memes: fast, forgettable, and always questionable.

And now I'm here. At a point in life where I'm trying to decide what I want to be. Artist? Engineer? Designer? Something in-between, or not at all? I don't know. I've learnt I like joy, and people, and the strange warmth of gratitude. I like meeting new faces, expanding the meaning of "us". But I still can't picture a world where all of that makes sense.

The only path that looks remotely linear is making money. Lots of it. Enough to never see a classroom. But that world feels hollow. A world where you give up so much feeling for soulless numbers and transactional relationships that just feels wrong.

So I keep asking myself the heretical question: what is true happiness? Is it wealth heavy enough to tilt the world toward comfort? Or is it people, is it love, is it memories of those ordinary moments that feel yet so special?

I want both, obviously. But I've tried many realities. None feel right, just yet.

If I were to forget who I was yesterday,
what would stop me from
inventing someone new tomorrow?

I know I'll have to become independent eventually. Build a life. Pay my own bills. Exist without leaning on the scaffolding my parents built for me as I grew up. But what's more urgent to me right now is a rhythm. Stability. A period in my life where I can see the future, even for just a few short years.

I've been lost before. Misled, misguided, misaligned. But right now I feel like I'm finally finding a path which feels right. The things I'm working on actually inspire me. The people that surround me make me feel seen.

I could live in a small city. Or a large one. I'd still love to be surrounded by everyone, and surrounded by no-one, all at once. Maybe that contradiction is the truth of me.

I don't know where I'm heading. I don't know who I'll become. But for the First Time In A Long Time, the uncertainty feels less like a threat.

I'm on a long way home.